Three Fourths Dumber
by Aiiro Hoshi
Summary: Not your average OC travels to FMA world story. Yes, this time it isn't a normal girl with nothing better to do...it's a guy with a lot of money on his hands and his spoiled girlfriend. OCs ARE in this fic.
1. Prologue

**Brief Commentary:  
**Although I wrote one myself a long time ago, I'm SICK and TIRED of seeing all these fics where it's a GIRL getting sucked into the FMA world. So I'm improvising - it's a GUY this time...with his GIRLFRIEND. -dramatic music plays- And it's not what you think, either. I'm pretty sure. So here it is, the fic I'll be doing on and off.

Side Note: I wonder...why do so many authors write disclaimers? I mean, who's going around accusing people of being the actual writers of a series? Besides, authors don't really have time to do pointless things like fanfiction for their own characters (I love fanfic, don't get me wrong).

* * *

**Three Fourths Dumber**  
_Prologue_

"Maaatt! Alice wants thiiiis, too! It's sooo expensive! Buy it for Alice and Alice will let you drive the car hoooome!"  
Matthew Wright, at the age of eighteen, could barely suppress dark gray eyes from rolling at the sing-song voice of his girlfriend, who, as he turned to look, was staring in fascination at another item in the back of a stall.

They were attending their town's yearly carnival, wandering from place to place with little to no idea where they were going. The surroundings were filled with blindingly vibrant colors, and the noise was a loud banter of children screaming, people laughing, advertisers yelling, and other people talking at an unnecessarily high volume level. In order for the two to hear each other, they were forced to talk loudly as well.

Alice Burghes, said girlfriend, was as old as he and fairly attractive, with a tooth for nearly everything even remotely expensive (sweets, jewelry, cars, clothes, cosmetics, etc.). Fortunately, his well-paying part time job as a physician kept him out of debt, and he remained with her because he felt that she could very well get herself killed from her attitude if he left her alone for long. True, there were some feelings, but they weren't especially powerful. A breeze slightly ruffled his short-sleeved white shirt, contrasting with tanned skin and muscles. Alice had demanded he work out and "look more muscley - I don't want a wimpy guy for a boyfriend!" He had obliged - if only to keep her from inferring that he was 'wimpy.'

A sigh.  
"What is it this time?"  
"Alice wants this ring, see? It's so preeeetty! Please buy it for Alice!" she squealed, her mousy brown hair bouncing around her shoulders as she jumped lightly up and down. She pointed a manicured nail down at the aforementioned jewelry, the remainder of her fingers curled around the sleeve of the much-too-long red sweater she wore - a contrast to the rather short pair of shorts hugging about her hips. Her flip flops slapped at the ground with every bounce.  
The elderly woman running the stall looked mildly amused, gazing with her eyes half-lidded at Alice as she drummed her fingers on the small table.  
Matthew glanced down at it, prepared for the worst possible price for the glittering red stone, set into a silver ring. A good few hundred...

He sighed again, running a hand through his black hair in exasperation. The other automatically slid down the the pocket in his jeans and felt around for his wallet, pulling it out when his fingers brushed the slightly coarse fabric.  
"It's soooo beat up, Maaaatt!" Alice had once complained, holding the wallet gingerly between her thumb and index fingers, as if she were disgusted with it. "We should get you a reeeeeally nice and expensive oooone!"  
"I'm fine with this," he had told her flatly.

Eying the woman, Matthew inquired,  
"Do you accept Visa?"  
She gave him a pitying look.  
"Sure. I'll give you a fifty-percent discount," here she lowered her voice to mutter. "Looks like you'll need it."  
The woman glanced pointedly at Alice, whose attention had been directed to a passing men selling cotton candy. No doubt that would be next on her list. Matthew smiled and shook his head.  
"Thanks."

Pulling his Visa card, he handed it to her, who then swiped it through a cash register he had not noticed before. She completed the total and handed him the credit card back, pushing the ring towards him and smiling pleasantly in return.  
"You two have a nice day," she called after them as he was dragged away by Alice to confront the man selling cotton candy, turning for only a moment to acknowledge the ring he had just bought.  
"If you buy Alice some cotton candy," she chirped, "then Alice really _will_ let you drive the car home!"  
Matthew and the cotton candy man both twitched.  
"So what you said earlier was a lie?"  
"Eh? Alice doesn't know what you're talking about. Now buy Alice some cotton candy, pleeeease!"  
He sighed again. "Fine. How much?"  
"A buck."

_Later that evening..._

"Alice is driving the car home!"  
Matthew opened his mouth to argue, but quickly decided against it as she turned to look meaningfully at him. Instead he allowed himself a non-committal snort and opened the passenger door, leaning over to dump the many items he had also bought that day into the back seat. For safe-keeping he had put the ring in his pocket, and he fished it out now, holding it up for Alice, who was already seated in the driver's seat.  
"Here, the ring I bought earlier for you."  
"Ohhh, isn't it pretty?" She snatched it from him and slid it on her left middle finger, pausing to admire it for a brief second before she inserted the car keys and started the engine. Quickly closing the door behind him, Matthew hardly had time to buckle his seat belt before she pulled out of the make-shift parking lot (it had been a football field - it was used now for this purpose when the carnival was held).

Already used to the lack of thanks, he allowed himself to settle in his seat, propping his sneaker-clad feet up on the dash board with his hands behind his head. Alice wrinkled her nose.  
"Ewwww, Maaaatt! That's soooo gross!"  
He grinned and shrugged, closing his eyes. To his relief, she didn't complain any further and the ride home was one spent in silence, not counting the differing songs Alice kept singing under her breath.

"I am a superstar, with a big big house and a big big car, I am a superstar and I don't care who you are!" she repeated this line and continued on. "Got many money honey, I'm a superstar! My life is funny honey; have you seen my car? I know a lot of people, I'm a superstar! Everybody know me from near to far!"  
To his relief, Alice began with another song.  
"I like where we are, when we drive, in your car. I like where we are; here. 'Cause our lips, can touch. 'Cause our cheeks, can brush. Our lips can touch, here. Where you are the one, the one, that lies close to me! Whispers, "Hello, I miss you quite terribly!" I fell in love, in love, with you suddenly! Now there's no place else, I could be, but, here in your arms!"  
Matthew interrupted her,  
"Alice, it's '_And_ our cheeks can touch.'"  
"Whaaaaaat? No, Maaaatt! It's always been '_Cause_ our cheeks can touch,' silly!" she pouted at him.  
"Alice, eyes on the road," he reminded her.  
"Be quieeeet, I know that," Alice pursed her lips, but complied. It wasn't long before she began to sing again,  
"I want a diamond, I really do. I think that you should give me one. Then you can prove your love is true, and that the gift giving has just begun. I want that diamond, I want that thing. A tennis bracelet, a ring. It better shine, it better cut, I know it is expensive but..."  
_What a fitting song for Alice_, Matthew thought dryly to himself, tuning out her humming as he gazed blankly out the window, not really seeing the scenery pass as they drove by.

By the time they had arrived at his house (a homely, moderate house, at that - Alice considered it much too small), it was fairly dark outside, Alice proposing that they have several beers before bed. It sounded fine to him.  
"But Alice wants the first can, okaaaaay?"  
"Okay."  
After the car had been pulled into the garage, Matthew hopped out to snatch a six-pack on his way in. Alice bounded in through the door behind him.  
"First can! First can! First can!" she began a mantra as he opened a Budlight and handed it to her. She took in a long sip and let out a satisfied "Ahhh," as she tore her mouth away from the can for oxygen, which, to her chagrin, was necessary for life. Popping open a second can, he did the same.

Within a few hours, the six pack was gone and empty beer cans littered the floor. Slightly absentminded thanks to the alcohol influence, Matthew picked them up and placed the by the sink, half-intending to get to them later.  
"Can Alice sleep with yooou? Alice doesn't feel like sleeping aloooone," his girlfriend whined.  
"Sure, sure," he nodded, leading her into his room. He allowed her to slip under the bed sheets first, him following and wrapping his arms around her waist and burying his nose into her hair, inhaling the sweet smell of the conditioner she had used in the shower that morning. What was it this time...pear blossom? He forgot.

The pair soon drifted off into a black, dreamless sleep, huddled into one another for warmth in the air-conditioned house.

There was no one there to notice the sudden glint in the ring around Alice's middle finger, and the quiet sound of an alchemical crackle before all was still and silent again.

* * *

_Don't drink alcohol, kids. D: It makes you woozy...I think. I dislike beer - it tastes something awful. And don't by suspicious red rings from friendly old women at carnivals, either.  
Songs:  
Toybox - "Superstar"  
Hellogoodbye - "Here (In Your Arms)"  
Rasputina - "Diamond Mind"_


	2. Resemwhat?

**Brief Commentary:  
**I had more time on my hands today than I thought I did, so I decided to give this a little more fleshing.  
Anyway, just as an FYI, neither Matt nor Alice know a thing about FMA. Hell if they even know the concept of alchemy (theorized in the medieval times; the idea of turning simple metals such as iron into gold or silver). Anyway, here's chapter one. For those who care, lol.

* * *

**Three Fourths Dumber**  
_Resemwhat?_

The first thing Matthew was aware of was that there was a cold breeze playing across his skin, and it was making him shiver. The second thing he was aware of was that he was no longer in his bed, but on something that felt suspiciously like grass. Then came other, more obvious things, such as the slight headache he felt alongside his temples, the cramps in his arms, and the equally shivering figure of Alice, huddled up next to him. With a glance at her nearly bare legs (her short shorts did little more than cover her underwear), it made sense as to why. Sitting up abruptly and ignoring Alice's whine of protest, Matthew's eyes widened when he realized that they were in the middle of a small meadow...in what seemed like the middle of nowhere.

"What the hell?" he muttered. "Is this someone's idea of a joke?"  
"Alice wants to go back to sleep," she yawned in response, "Stop hogging the blankets from Alice, or she'll get sick."  
"Alice, this is serious."  
"Wha...why?"  
"Please take a look around before you ask me that," Matthew said blandly, standing up to see if civilization was even remotely near by.  
_Ahhh, this is fucked up_, he thought to himself, exasperated.  
"Why'd you bring us out here, Maaaatt?" Alice pouted, hugging herself in hopes to protect her arms from the cold.  
"I didn't."  
"Then who did? Alice wants to slap them," she said spitefully. "Alice has a headache, too. Matt, go get Alice an aspirin."  
"I don't have any aspirin."  
"Then go buy some for Alice."  
"There's no where to buy aspirin from, Alice," Matthew sighed, rubbing his forehead. His patience was beginning to wear thin.  
"Where are we, anyway?" Alice stood up to join him.  
"That's what I'm trying to figure out."  
"Oh. Okay. Tell Alice when you know."

Another sigh.

There was a long pause, Alice entertaining herself by spinning around in circles and admiring the tiny white flowers of weeds dotting the ground. Meanwhile, Matthew racked his brain for any survival skills he might remember, and if he recognized he scenery at all.

"Look, Maaaaatt!" Alice spoke up suddenly. "A shack over there! A shack!"  
"A what?" he blinked and turned to look over at her.  
Alice's back faced him, and she was pointing a manicured fingernail over at a normal-looking, yellow house over on a hill. From the flickering shapes moving in and out of the place of shelter, there was apparently human life dwelling there.  
"Alice, that's a house," he corrected. "And we're going there to ask for directions out of this hell hole."  
"Oh? But it's so weensy! Don't they have money? They must be poor," she frowned, attempting to look pitying.  
"Please stop that."  
"...maybe we can find richer people?" Alice asked hopefully. "Then maybe they can buy Alice something because they will think Alice is sooooo cute!"  
"No, Alice. Let's go."  
"But Alice doesn't like poor people - they're sweaty and dirty and gross!"  
"Please be quiet. I know you don't like dirty things," _Besides sex_, he added silently. "but this, for now, is the only option we have if we're going to get back home. Maybe they'll have a car or that we can borrow."  
"More like a dirty old truck," she scowled, but trudged along behind him as he started towards the house anyway.

They, unfortunately, had underestimated the length of the field, and by the time they were even remotely near their destination, they were already exhausted and their heads throbbed painfully, even when the hangover had started off so minor.  
"Alice...Alice wants an...an aspirin," she panted, pushing her bangs from her face, cheeks flushed from extortion. "And...and Alice...she wants a long hot shower. And clean clothes. And a bed. And a Porsche. And jewelry...although Alice still likes this ring..."  
"Yeah...okay," Matthew agreed absent-mindedly, as they started up the hill the house was perched on top of.

By the time twenty minutes had past, the two were at long last perched on the top of the hill, the house now standing only a few meters away. The human-like shapes that had flitted in and out the front door were now all inside (it was rather easy to tell with all the voices raised and screaming at each other).  
"Jesus," Matthew breathed as they approached said door. "It's like the Dr. Phil show gone wrong in there."  
"Alice wants to watch T.V," she offered.  
"Okay, Alice. Maybe they'll have a T.V. inside that you can watch," he shrugged off the comment and knocked at the door. The loud collection of voices inside stopped abruptly, clearly not used to being interrupted at such a time.  
"It had better be an expensive flat screen!" Alice tutted, "Alice will only watch T.V. on flat screens!"  
"Yes, yes, whatever," Matthew rolled his eyes, straightening himself as the door swung open.

A glance down informed him of the presence of an elderly woman with a miniature stature, glaring irritably up at them.  
"Yes, what do you want?" she grunted. "We're having a moment in here."  
"Sorry," he apologized quickly, a hand subconsciously scratching the back of his head. "My friend and I seem to have gotten lost...or rather, misplaced. We-"  
"I'm Matt's _girlfriend_," Alice interrupted. Matthew blinked in surprise at she referred to herself, for once, in first person.  
"...I see," the elderly woman said blankly.  
"Uh, that's not the point," he grinned sheepishly. "Can you tell us where we are?"  
"..." The woman examined him for a moment, her lips pursed in slight disapproval and eyebrows raised as if to say "Are the both of you complete imbeciles?"  
After a few moments of silence, she said finally,  
"You're in Resembool."

More silence.

"Alice has no idea what you're talking about," Alice, of course, broke it.  
"Are you sure we aren't in Evighetens, Pennsylvania?"  
"In what? This is Resembool, Amestris, kids," she blinked at them. "What are you from, another planet?"  
Matthew stared at the elderly woman. She glared back. Alice began to whistle 'Rich Girl' until Matthew finally asked her to quit it.  
"...you're tired," the woman inferred, observing their sweaty condition. "Since you seem to have no idea where you are, you can mooch here for a while..."  
"Really?" his mood brightened considerably. "Thanks a lot, Mrs..."  
"Rockbell. Just call me Pinako."  
"Oh, thanks then, Pinako."  
Alice was quick to complain,  
"But Alice doesn't _want_ to stay in this-" Matthew's hand clapped over her mouth to keep her from continuing. He turned back to Pinako with a much-too-pleasant smile on his face; she brushed this off with a shrug and invited him inside.

They were greeted by the sight of three people. One, a young woman about two years younger them, with bright blonde hair and fiery blue eyes, was visibly shaking with anger (in one fist a wrench was clenched), as if trying to restrain a scream. A red bandanna was present on her head, and she wore a simple black tube top - at her hips sat a lavender jumpsuit half rolled down.  
Sitting opposite her on a green couch was a boy of a similar age, with golden hair and eyes of a similar color. He glared up at her and appeared as though he were doing the same. Matthew glanced at him in bewilderment as he realized that he was wearing only a simple pair of white boxers.  
In the corner stood a suit of armor, shaking its head and muttering what sounded like hopeless appeasements. Its large hands clutched at the loin cloth it wore around its waist. From the construction of the metallic surface, Matthew decided that it would be better to assume that the person inside the suit of armor was a boy. Or perhaps a man?

They all looked up in unison to see them, slightly bewildered. The girl tried tried to remove the tension from her body by offering a smile, but it appeared as a grimace instead. The boy rolled his eyes, and the person in the suit of armor blinked.  
Alice chose this as an opportunity to make her own assumptions.  
"Ohhhh, were you doing something diiiirty? Alice is sorry!" she grinned, looking pointedly at the boy in his boxers. A blush heated his and the girls' faces, and the suit of armor appeared incredibly bewildered.  
"IT'S NOT LIKE THAT!!" the girl screamed.  
"WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN THINK THAT?!" the boy agreed, his voice practically a high-pitched screech.  
Alice was unfazed.  
"Well, you," she motioned towards the unfortunate young woman, "are wearing little more than a strapless bra and a low-hip pair of...sweats, maybe and-"  
"Alice, that's a tube top and a jump suit," Matthew interrupted, "And stop making assumptions."  
The boy gave him a glance that read 'Who the hell are you and what the hell is that thing next to you? It looks suspiciously like a woman, but I don't think I really want to know.'  
He returned the look with a dry one, before offering introductions,  
"Sorry about that. I'm Matthew," he also nodded towards Pinako, who had come in behind them, "And this is Alice."  
"I'm his _girlfriend_," she emphasized. That was certainly a shocker. Two fist-person self-referrals in one day?  
"Uh, yeah, that too."  
The suit of armor decided to speak for the rest of them.  
"I'm Alphonse Elric," Yup, definitely a boy. "My brother here is Edward Elric," Here he gestured to the boy in his underwear, "And that's Winry Rockbell, my brother's-"  
"Girlfriend?" Alice offered, an innocent smile on her lips.  
"NO!!" was the enthusiastic reply from both Edward and Winry.  
"-mechanic," Alphonse turned to Matthew to finish. He nodded and offered a hand, crossing over to him to shake.  
"Nice to meet you," he shook the armor hand firmly.  
"The same," he replied politely.  
"That was pretty amusing," Pinako interjected from the side of the room, a smirk present on her face. Two angry glares were sent her way, but they were easily brushed off.  
Unexpectedly, there was an audible gasp from the other side of the room. All heads turned to observe Alice, who had collapsed on the wooden floor with only her arms to hold her up.  
"Alice? What's wrong?" Matthew quickly made his way to her side.  
"They...they don't have," she choked. "...they don't have..."  
"They don't have what?"

"A...a flat screen T.V...for Alice..."

* * *

_Wow. XD Maybe another chapter sooner or later...probably later. I still have RNFYE and Drugged to update, too..._


	3. Concepts

**Brief Commentary:  
**Bored and with some extra time on my hands, here's the next chapter for TFD. :D LAWL. I love Alice. Why do you people want her dead? She's adorable! Isn't she? ...ISN'T SHE?! -strangles random passerby-

* * *

**Three Fourths Dumber  
**_Concepts  
_

It was embarrassing enough having to explain what a T.V. was to the residents of the house (did they seriously not know what it was? Were they just trying to mess with him?), but even more embarrassing was having to have the concept of "automail" introduced to him. To be honest, Matthew had not actually noticed the shining metal limbs that were Edward's left arm and right leg until much later, when the boy was getting properly clothed. Winry had also departed to do the same, as Alice had continued to make a few snide, "mildly" suggestive comments about their state of dress. Pinako had only snickered in the background, Alphonse clenching at the cloth draped around his armored waist - it almost seemed as though he was blushing. Perhaps he was - although it was really hard to tell past his armor. When asked, Alphonse had stumbled for words, explaining it was "a hobby."

Still, he had to wonder if they were even on Earth anymore. There were no dishwashers in the house, no washing or drying machines, the plumbing (from what Matthew could tell - he was no expert) was primitive, and the Rockbell's only radio was one of the old-fashioned wooden kind, which would normally be seen in an early 1900's setting. Unless this "Resembool" was in the middle of Africa and he should expect to see small African children start running around (out of paranoia, Matthew slapped at a mosquito on his arm), there was definitely something wrong here.

But while these things were all wrong, there were also several interesting things that had been explained along with the automail. For one, Winry being a mechanic was not an exaggeration - she would build complete mechanical limbs that nerves from the brain could extend to and exhibit actual, human-like movements according to their wearer's will, and, on occasion, within three days. With Edward, he had learned, this was often necessary; the arm or leg was often destroyed in battles he was in (Winry had hit the blonde boy violently in the head for this) and had to report back to his military duties as soon as physically possible.

Now, this is what had surprised Matthew (Alice hadn't been listening at all). A boy of Edward's stature and age, in the military? With two artificial limbs on top of that? And the kid was getting into _lethal battles?_ He had to admit he had never been in an honest-to-goodness life-or-death situation in his life, besides, perhaps, protecting Alice from a mugger with a knife. He wasn't sure if that counted though. Edward had refrained from commenting or adding anything in, and if he spoke at all, it was often to complain. Matthew had made the mistake of voicing his awe out loud, the fifteen year-old demanding what the fuck he meant by "stature." With a helpful interpretation of coughs from Pinako (coughsensativecoughaboutheightcoughcough), he had quickly lied through his teeth and explained,

"I meant, where I come from, men aren't allowed to join the military until they're 18, and by that time, they're signed up for a pre-draft. They won't exactly be in the military, but that means they agree to be drafted if need be. For, er, extreme war time situations."

The boy still seemed slightly suspicious, but decided to let it slide, although he barked at Alice to stop poking around through the Rockbell's china set. She had whined back in response,

"Don't you have _anything _valuable for Alice?"

Matthew was forced to explain again to Alice that not everything valuable in the world was meant for her. She got this idea confused very often he found - he couldn't even remember how many times he had explained it to her before. By this time, Winry had returned downstairs in a plain, pastel sun dress, the bandanna gone and her hair down around her face. Alphonse had offered several kind words, and Edward had nodded and looked away, while Pinako wondered out loud why Winry didn't normally wear sun dresses around the house. Alice, of course, still had comments.

"Don't you ever wear make up?"  
Winry blinked at the sudden question.  
"What?"  
"Make up!" Alice stomped her foot impatiently. "Don't you know what that is?"  
"Sure," the blonde-haired mechanic nodded, confused. "What about it?"  
"Why aren't you wearing any?"  
"Well, it'd be kind of pointless," she pointed out, "I mean, I'd sweat it off anyway."  
Matthew glanced sympathetically at her, knowing that the younger Rockbell woman was trying her hardest to patient.  
"Do you _like_ being sweaty?" his girlfriend scrunched up her nose in disgust.  
"I didn't say that." He could hear Winry grit her teeth.  
"Why are you even doing that gross job? It's so greasy and if it makes you that sweaty, you'll get all these pimples!" Alice took several dainty steps away, as if afraid the girl's profession was some kind of contagious disease.  
Winry's face was turning a dangerous red.  
"I happen to like my job, thanks very much," she hissed through a clenched jaw. Alice ignored her, continuing on,  
"And when you get pimples, you don't look sexy at all. Actually you look really ugly. If you don't have any pimples, like Alice, then guys will like you - see, they don't like you now because you're so sweaty and you probably smell bad and-"  
By this time, she looked ready to slug the 'unfortunate' Alice, Matthew having to drag her out of the path of Winry's fist to take the blow himself in the shoulder.

It had actually kind of hurt. Not seriously, but there was some stinging, and he was sure there was going to be some form of bruise there. Alice stuck out her tongue at Winry in triumph, circling her arms around Matthew's neck and leaning the side of her head against his chest as if to say,  
'My tough boyfriend protected me, hah! You don't even have one!'

Well, technically, that would be 'Alice's tough boyfriend protected her,' but it sent the same message across.

Winry glared at Alice and muttered an apology to Matthew, stomping back up the stairs. Alphonse glanced balefully after her, while Edward was busy glaring at just about everyone else in the room (with the exception of his younger brother). Pinako was busy rolling her eyes and muttering,

"Some girlfriend you got there, Matthew."

He chose to ignore this comment in favor of suggesting to Alice that she go on ahead and take a shower and go to bed.  
"But what will Alice change into?" was the question.  
"Maybe Winry will lend you some clothes," he shrugged helplessly.  
"Alice doesn't like her," Alice wrinkled her nose.  
"That's nice Alice; now go ask Winry if you can borrow a shirt and shorts."  
"But Alice needs underwear - ohhhhhh," she blinked in realization, what she thought to be a sultry smile making its way to her lips, "Alice understands. So you don't waaaaaant Alice to have aaaany underwear?"  
Matthew could've smacked himself for his forgetfulness - Alice was taking this entirely the wrong way...although, she always did that. He decided he would ignore Edward's disgusted look and the fact that Alphonse appeared to be blushing (some how, behind all that armor), as he corrected her.  
"No, Matt made a mistake. Now go ask Winry to lend you some clothes and underwear."  
Alice pouted.  
"Fine."

As his girlfriend flounced her way up the creaking wooden staircase, Matthew nearly jumped at the sudden thump he received on his back. Turning around (and having to glance down), he was surprised to see Edward, who smirked up at him, clearly reveling in Matthew's misery.  
"You've got it tough, I have to admit," the boy grinned. "And I thought Winry was bad."  
"Don't let her hear you say that," Pinako warned from the other side of the room.  
"Shut up, granny," Edward glared at her. Alphonse seemed deep in thought before he spoke up, voice timid.  
"Um, Matthew, has Alice...was she always like that?"  
"Yeah." Knee-jerk reaction. Of course she was - that's why she was Alice.  
"Is...is there some kind of...reason maybe?"  
"No."  
"Nothing happened to her to make her like...that?"  
"Probably not."  
"It's hopeless, Al," Edward padded over to his younger brother, smacking the armor gently with the palm of his hand. "That girl's rotten, through and through. Probably was born that way." Glancing up at Matthew, he added, "No offense, of course. Although I can't see why the hell you'd stay with her."  
"Actually I-"

A screech interrupted the idle talk, followed by a scantily-clad Alice racing down the stairs and practically jumping onto Matthew, clothed in only her panties, shirt, and (hopefully) bra. While Edward (and he imagined) and Alphonse turned nine different shades of red, Matthew calmly set her down and shrugged off his shirt, feeling thankful, for once, for the undershirt beneath it as he offered it to Alice to make herself modest. She quickly hugged it around her waist, lip pouted as she stared up at him.

"Winry said no," she whined, "So Alice smacked her."

Matthew suppressed a groan while Alphonse stifled a gasp and Edward began to seethe.  
"Why would you do that, Alice?" he asked slowly, as if speaking to a toddler.  
"Because she was being a bit-"

Matthew clapped a hand over her mouth, not flinching when she started licking his palm with her tongue.  
"It's not nice to call people that. If you needed help persuading Winry, you could've come gotten me or somebody else and she would've given you some clothes."

He removed his hand from her mouth, wiping her saliva carelessly onto his shorts.

"They were all ugly anyway," Alice examined her nails, obviously not listening to a word. He sighed, grasping at Alice's wrist and tugging her towards the stairs, glancing back in apology towards the irritated (and genuinely concerned) group of people behind him as he quietly asked Alice to show him the way to Winry's room.

"Are you gonna cheeeeeeaaaaat on Aliiiiice?" she whined, tugging at his undershirt as they shuffled through the narrow hall way and stopping at a freshly-painted white door.  
"No, I'm not," he assured her, knocking politely and waiting for a reply. There was none. He knocked again.

"Who is it?" came an extremely irritated voice.  
"It's Matthew; I'm sorry about Alice - can we try to speak diplomatically here? I know this is hard."  
There was a huff and the sound of feet crossing the floorboards from the other side of the door before it swung open, revealing Winry with an unsightly welt on her cheek. Matthew glared down at Alice disapprovingly, but she didn't notice.  
"Are you okay?" he asked uneasily, subconsciously extending a finger to brush the welt. He drew it back quickly when he realized what he was doing. Matthew was even more concerned when her face suddenly flushed red and she ducked half-way behind her door.  
"I-I'm just fine, t-thanks."  
"Oh. Good. Um, well, anyway. About Alice...could she possibly borrow a few things from you? You know, a shirt, some shorts or a skirt, and the underwear?"

She seemed surprised at the fact that Matthew wasn't blushing - however, this wasn't humility or good graces speaking. He'd actually had to ask this question numerous, countless times to unfortunate girls who lived in his neighborhood, whenever Alice slept over and had forgotten something else to wear. None of the girls had gotten anything back, but he wasn't about to tell Winry this.

"Uh, if you put it that way...s-sure," she mumbled. "Come on, Alice."  
Matthew quickly kissed the top of his girlfriend's head, before he ushered Alice towards Winry, sending his girlfriend a reassuring smile before the bedroom door was shut in his face.

"Thank God that's over," he smacked himself, making up for the time he most wanted to.

* * *

_I don't really like this chapter, but whatever. Don't worry, Winry's "crush-thing" or whatever she's suffering from will go away. Although it would be weird not to have her blush a bit - he's basically almost half-naked (undershirts don't cover too much), not a customer, and a guy she's barely known for an hour, and he shows up asking for girl clothes for his girlfriend. I would blush like crazy, too.  
_


	4. Coffee, Among Other Things

**Brief Commentary:  
**Yey, Alice now has more fans! TEH WIN - my dream hath come true, for mine Alice is but as beautiful as a blooming flower, led astray...  
Okay, you probably don't wanna know where that came from. ;O Neither do I, but I have time on my hands. So...here's the next chapter. Expect another RNFYE sometime tomorrow, although it's going to be another filler, unfortunately...-pouts- Damn it, I just wanna skip to the climax already, but I can't, because then everyone would get confused. Errgh. Anyway, enough about RNFYE - review?

* * *

**Three Fourths Dumber  
**_Coffee, Among Other Things  
_

The remainder of the day had been exhausting - after an old-fashioned, country-style dinner (which, honestly, was much better than anything Matthew's frozen dinners could come up with), he had declared himself tired and asked if there was a room he and Alice could possibly sleep in. Pinako and Winry had offered their only spare room - the room that Winry's parents once shared, before they had died. Feeling a bit guilty, Matthew thanked them and started up the wooden stairs, half-staggering as he went. Alice, not even bothering to excuse herself, leapt up after him, a grin on her face. He barely noticed. Not nearly so blind to her intentions, the group of people still sitting at the table grimaced, a few blushes gathering at some of their cheeks.

And while it was only 7:49 PM or so, his exhaustion was due to the fact that they had no idea where they were, stuck in some back-water country town surrounded by nothing but fields and farms as far as the eye could see. Matthew had fancied himself seeing an old Model-T rumbling down the dirt road at one point, but surely that was his imagination. There had to at least be a pick-up truck, or something...something he knew how to actually drive, for God's sake.

Eyes closed, he let out a low moan of satisfaction as he slumped onto the bed, the sheets cold and stiff from what must've been years of disuse. But Matthew didn't mind, as he readjusted himself so that he was propped up against the pillows. They, too, were stiff, but he wasn't in the mood to sit up and fluff them out. The creak of the bed springs alerted him that somebody (from the smell, Alice) had joined him on the mattress, and fluttering a gray eye, his suspicion was right. Said eye flickered towards the wooden door, which was now closed and probably locked.

Both eyes reluctantly opened, his field of vision landing on his girlfriend, who was perched on her knees and the palms of her hands, slightly hunched over with her healthy brown hair draping around her face. Her "rented" white shirt had been adjusted so that one bare shoulder (accompanied by a bra strap) was exposed, several undone buttons suggesting the slightest bounce of cleavage. Alice's new cotton skirt had been obviously pulled at, so that the hem of her panties were visible.

"Maaaaaaaaaaatt," she smiled and bit her lower lip as she practically purred his name. Her face dipped closer to his, her hair brushing his eyelids and his cheeks.  
"What?" Matthew mumbled sleepily, already immune to her try at seduction (which, he was sure, to some men was rather attractive, not to mention sexy).  
"Can we do something together?"  
"Like what?"  
"You know," Alice giggled, climbing on top of him and pinching at the material of his undershirt. Her manicured fingers trailed down to the hem of said clothing, and she slowly pulled it up, exposing fairly well-developed abdominal muscles. Lazily, his hands grabbed her wrists, not applying pressure but effectively trapping them.  
"Sorry, I'm really tired," Matthew apologized softly. He might've laughed at Alice's pout.  
"But Alice wants to-"  
"I know what you want to do, but not tonight, m'kay?"

She frowned and rolled off of him, wrapping her arms around herself as she lay down, her back facing him. Good-naturedly, Matthew rolled his eyes and reached out to pull her closer to his side. A frown still present on her face, Alice turned so that her face was close to his. It melted away at his amused smile, turning instead into a scowl. He chuckled and kissed her nose before he closed his eyes again, wrapping his arms around her as she - at first, reluctantly - snuggled into him.

"G'night, Alice."  
"Un."

* * *

Rather early in the morning, roughly quarter to six or so, Matthew's eyes fluttered open to the sight of the top of Alice's head, her nose barely touching his throat as he felt her breathe in and out. Yawning, his arms snaked out from under her and he sat up against the bed's head board, still half-asleep. Eventually, as the sun slowly made its way over the horizon, Matthew climbed out of the queen-sized bed, almost certain his hair was a mess but not especially caring. Wishing he knew what exactly Alice had done with his shirt, he shrugged it off and made his way over to the door. It took him a while to remember that his girlfriend had locked it, and, feeling a bit stupid, he proceeded to unlock it and open it, stepping out into the narrow hallway.

Careful to keep his footsteps quiet, Matthew inwardly cringed whenever the wooden floorboards creaked and groaned under his weight. His feet seemed to find every board that would squeak the loudest, and rarely was there a step made where there was nothing but silence. The staircase, as the eighteen year old approached it, had never seemed so long and intimidating, and ever-so-slowly, he made his way downstairs, beginning to realize how hungry he was when the earthy smell of coffee hit his nose. Reaching the bottom of the stairs, a glance towards the kitchen alerted him of Winry's presence. Slightly surprised at how early she must've woken up, he was slightly amused when she jumped at the sound of his voice.

"Good morning."  
"...O-oh! Hey, um, Matthew."  
"That coffee smells good - you brew it yourself?"  
She threw him a confused look.  
"Of course. Why wouldn't I?"  
"Right, right," Matthew smacked a hand to his forehead. "You guys don't have instant coffee or a Starbucks around here, d'you."  
Winry only seemed more puzzled, and with great reluctance he decided to explain.  
"Um, instant coffee is basically beans that are already crushed into powder - you can buy it at any store where I come from, really - and you just add it to hot water. Of course, other...stuff, like cream and what ever goes in there, but it's a really fast way of making it. Doesn't always taste that good...but, uh, Starbucks - that's like, um..."  
He scratched his head.  
_How do you explain the concept of Starbucks to a fifteen year old? All the fifteen year olds I know have the definition of Starbucks memorized by the time they're eleven.  
_"Well, it's basically a store that just sells...uh, different kinds of coffee. There's a lot of different flavors and...uh...well..."  
Matthew shrugged helplessly. Winry returned the gesture as she took the coffee pot and poured a mug, handing it to him. Mumbling a "Thanks," he quickly took a sip, ignoring his scalding tongue as he did so. The caffeine would hopefully wake him up quickly.

Pouring herself a cup, Winry turned to face him fully, face relatively pink. He didn't notice, however, as he focused on the welt bruising her cheek.  
"Don't you want ice for that? The swelling will go down much more quickly," Matthew motioned towards it, a frown on his face. "I'm sorry - it looks like it really hurts."  
Winry's hand went to her face, and she blushed harder.  
"No, honestly, it's okay."  
"You sure?" he decided it would be fine if he touched it this once. It appeared to be very swollen and red, the skin there pulled tight. He allowed two fingers to brush it, and didn't miss Winry's barely-suppressed flinch. Her eyes gazed up at him with some emotion he couldn't quite place, and pain.  
"Yup, you need ice on that. Where's the frid-..." Matthew's frown deepened. "You have a refrigerator, don't you?"  
"We have a Frigidaire..." she said slowly, not quite comprehending. "with a couple of ice cube trays..."  
"That's good enough," he shook his head. "Show me where it is?"

Winry pointed to a diminutive little object sitting in the corner of the kitchen. It appeared to be made of metal and stainless steel, more in resemblance to an icebox than a modern fridge. He recognized it as one of the earliest mechanical refrigerators. Matthew decided that he was tempted to ask if they really were in Africa.

With some difficulty, he opened the metal door, peering in to see two ice cube trays, slightly coated with frost. Pulling one out, he glanced expectantly around for paper towels, but reluctantly remembered that there seemed to be a huge lack of modern technology and products in this particular house.  
"You have a dishtowel?" he finally conceded, closing the Frigidaire and placing the ice cube tray carefully on the table.  
"Uh, sure," Winry pulled one off of a rack, determining it dry before handing it to him. Expertly plucking out exactly six ice cubes, he aligned them on the laid out dishtowel before folding the material over several times, handing it to the automail mechanic.  
"Winry, I want you to put that on the swollen area for fifteen minutes, then off for fifteen, then back on. When it's off, put it back in the fridge," he motioned towards it. "Do this as much as possible. If the ice melts, replace it. It's important to get that welt down - you might even be at risk for infection."  
He grinned at her slightly awed expression as she obediently placed it on her cheek, wincing a little as she did so. He wasn't a part-time physician for nothing.

"So...is Alice awake?" Winry muttered past the ice, changing the subject as she leaned against the counter.  
He shook his head.  
"She's never up before eleven - we have a few hours until she starts wreaking havoc," he joked, picking up his coffee mug and taking another sip. Unamused, Winry briefly put down her make-shift ice pack to do the same. They glanced out the kitchen window simultaneously, watching the sky bleed red as the sun continued to climb into the sky.  
"This is one reason I get up early in the morning, besides going to work," Matthew admitted. "Alice says she hates it when I leave her alone, though."  
"And what about Alice?" the adolescent next to him grumbled. "She's infuriating. Who cares what she dislikes?"  
He was mildly surprised by Winry's sudden change in attitude. Most girls weren't quite as open, but their loathing towards his girlfriend was generally very obvious.  
"She's my girlfriend," he gently reminded her, not bothering to look at her face. "I care."  
"Why are you even with her?" was the growled response; she paused to take another sip of coffee.  
Matthew grinned.  
"Are you jealous?"  
Winry nearly spit out what was in her mouth, spluttering anxiously,  
"O-of course not! That's ridiculous - I was just wondering, you know?"  
She stubbornly reapplied the ice pack to her face.  
"It's okay, it's okay, I'm just kidding," he waved a hand in the air in mock surrender. "But really...I'm with Alice because-"  
"Oi, do you know how loudly you two talk in the morning?" an irritable voice interrupted him.  
Turning his attention to the staircase, Matthew was slightly surprised to see Edward there, only dressed in his boxers with his long hair pulled back in a disarrayed pony tail.  
"Morning there, sunshine," Winry retorted sarcastically. "You up for coffee? I won't be making it for you again."  
"Oh, gee, thanks," was the equally sarcastic reply. A "Sure," was mumbled at the end of his sentence. When Winry had her back turned to them, Matthew heard him mutter,  
"What happened to her cheek?"  
"Alice," he replied in a whisper.  
Both males grimaced slightly.

* * *

_For those of you whom I scared; no. There will not be any lemons between Alice and Matt. I don't even want to think about it. XD_


End file.
